Parenting | ParentingLifestyle

One woman's tale of how £5, a phone and the NHS gave us a day we would never forget...

I would like to just say a huge thank you and happy 70th birthday to the NHS, too many times they are slated for their long waiting times or lack of GP appointment when really we should be looking at the daily pressures and strains they are put through!
When we truly need them they are always there to offer non-judgmental help, going above and beyond to ensure they do their very best to keep us safe and well, often going without tucking their own children into bed so we have a chance to cuddle ours! I cannot thank the NHS enough for all they do and would like to share my own story on why I 100 per cent support each and every member!

This day is carved into my mind, every single detail! It was a Tuesday night, having picked up some groceries from our local store and a treat of new pyjamas for my girl, the real way to her heart is with new PJ’s! As our daily routine commenced tea, bath, new pyjama’s and story before bed I couldn’t resist taking a quick snap! ( I’m a sucker for photos and love to capture every moment!) Little did I know this particular photo would flip my world upside down! As Rose posed in her pink stripes the flash went off on my phone, something was wrong...

Instantly I noticed her eyes were not right! Now I have always had 'devil eyes', something I have passed onto my daughter, unfortunately, meaning we can never take a flattering photo in the dark but this was different. Rose herself had no physical changes but the flash on the photo revealed one eye to be yellow and one red!

I instantly had a gut retching flashback to a Facebook post I had seen recently of a woman who had experienced the same with her baby and my heart sank...cancer! A rare form of cancer that is dominant in children under the age of 6!...

I am not one of those people who believes everything they read on the internet but I could not shift this hollow feeling inside, my husband tried to calm me but I did not sleep a wink that night, first thing in the morning I rang my local GP to see if I was being 'one of those mums'. As I said I know people find it hard to get appointments to see their doctors quickly so when the receptionist put the doctor on the phone I couldn’t help but fear the worst...he wanted to see her RIGHT AWAY! Rushing to the doctors faster than the speed of light we were met in the foyer BY THE DOCTOR! One look at the photograph and he told me a doctor would be waiting at Manchester Royal Children’s Hospital.

For 5 hours we were escorted from examination to examination, I can hand on heart say I am so grateful to every nurse, doctor and the receptionists who cared for us throughout the never-ending day! Rose was put through such an ordeal, having to place her head in scanning machines, eye probes and vision checks. It was horrific having no idea what was going on, how long we were going to have to wait for an answer, and as a mother physically having to restrain my own child who was terrified through such ordeals, convinced I knew the outcome was heartbreaking. Seeing all the other children as we waited near the chemotherapy wards because the doctors were convinced it would be advanced cancer called retinoblastoma, imagining all the things they have been through, what their families must be feeling, how scared they all must be. I was terrified and could not even look into a future where that could be us!

The only time we waited was after the last test, and I didn’t mind. This wait subconsciously made me realise we were the lucky ones. She didn’t have cancer!!!! She has a rare shimmer to the rear of her retina that has reduced in later years. The wave of relief, joy flooded my body and all I could do was cry. I cried more tears than humanly possible. I cried with joy my baby was ok. I cried with fear at a missed diagnosis, Then I cried for the trauma Rose had experience, the effects it would have in the weeks to come, nightmares and drawings of doctors ripping her eyeballs from her body as she slept...

The doctors have every effort into checking, rechecking and follow up assessment’s in the months following, and all is clear.

This is where my admiration goes out to the nurses, doctors, NHS as a whole, the patients and the families. You are all superheroes. You are my superhero’s and I will forever hold each one of you in my heart, in my thoughts and vow to love you all as much as I can!

Top tips to battle low self-esteem and puberty in tweens and teens.

To quote a famous Disney icon, to grow up would be an awfully big adventure, and they were not wrong. In today's society, our tweens and teens have an astonishing amount of pressure to be the perfect model. This is often referred to as the Barbie doll syndrome, much to my personal disagreement as Barbie was so much more than her looks, she was an astronaut, a vet, a fashion artist and so much more yet most people still see her for her silhouette.

Recently I have been put in a position where I needed to take a long hard look at myself, and the way I express my opinions and mannerisms and how it is affecting my tween. After my 9-year-old physically started shutting herself down to the outside world, covering her body and being uncomfortable around friends and family, my parental alarm bells began ringing. At first, I brushed it off as, oh she's just being awkward not wearing socks, wanting to keep her tights on (even when it was 25+ degrees outside). After one of our many arguments about how it's too warm, and she needed to go find some summer clothes in her wardrobe, it was actually my husband that suggested maybe there was a bigger reason for her behaviour. I was stumped, why had I not realized, I'm a terrible mother I should have seen, I should have asked!

Propping myself at the foot of the bed, wiping the tears from her face with a soft and gentle voice I began to probe for information and what I found completely destroyed me! My little girl had suddenly turned into more of a teen than a tween than I had realized (in person, not age), trying to fight her own battles independently too ashamed to come to her own parents for help.

So here are my top tips for assisting your teens through low self-esteem and puberty.

1. stop, observe and listen
As I found out the hard way I did not pay enough attention to the small details and the slow change in behaviour. No parent is perfect, no human is perfect. If you notice a shift in your child's daily routine such as the clothes they wear, their behaviour just sit down and give them your full undivided attention then listen to what they have to say. I often find if my daughter has anything she wants to say to me it's usually as I am tucking her into bed or on our walk home from school.

2. remember this is their feelings and their life
when experiencing such vast changes in the human body around the time of onset and during puberty, a mix of hormones is racing around their body making everything seem irrational and over exaggerated. What may be trivial and normal to you is the biggest life-changing experience for our children and is very unnerving making them often fearful and embarrassed. Be patient and empathetic to their emotions trying to see things from their point of view.

3. identify and repair
try and identify where the insecurities originated and what negativities are being held on too and how you can help the road to recovery. After finding a list in my child's bedroom of all the things she hated about herself such as; hairy legs, short finger, hair etc. I took it upon myself to make her a list of all the things I liked about her body, explaining how beautiful she is to me in a way she doesn't see, inside and out. This really helped her to understand what she felt insecure about such as freckles on her cheeks I and others will find make her looked sun-kissed and glowing, beautiful.

4. Your mannerisms and behaviour.
Looking at the way peers, role models and adult express themselves around our children can be a huge key to preventing low self-esteem during childhood and their life in a whole. If a child has grown up hearing others complain about eating badly, counting carbs, complaining about their body shape the likeliness of imitating and influenced behaviour is dramatically increased.

5. be honest, open and prepared!
When it comes down to fear, nobody likes the unknown especially when it involves our bodies and our future. The best way to tackle this fear is to be as open as possible, and appropriate to the issues at hand. Talking about the changes that will or have happened, explaining the emotions and help you can provide as well as assuring it is normal, that each girl or boy will experience changes to their appearance, feelings and even voices just not all at the same time is reassuring and can ease the anxiety towards the future. For girls especially making a puberty kid available will ensure a form of comfort and preparation for the big day! A puberty kit is a small basket or shoe box, inside you can put sanitary towels, small hot water bottles, relevant books or magazines, sanitary cleaning products and then if you chose some home comforts that all women crave during a period like a chocolate bar, hot chocolate etc.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend!

The moment I held my daughter I made a promise, I promised no harm would ever come to her, I would love her unconditionally her whole life, she would never go without what she needed and she would never make a mark on her body. Today I broke my promise! Yes, I love her unconditionally; I still stand by her side and protect giving everything she needs and the means to get it herself! but today, today is the day she made a mark on her body.

When Rose asked me for the 100th time I sat and asked myself, why am I saying yes or no? What argument do I have for pros and cons? As far as school goes she isn’t taking part in swimming activities again this year and as long as she places a plaster over the ear she is able to participate in physical education. This meant her school life will not be hindered at all and the only reason I have is I didn’t want her too. This to me isn’t good enough, I don’t let her use this excuse so why can I? if I let Rose not clean her room, have a bath or do the food shop because she didn’t want to I would never get anything done. To me allowing rose to pierce her ears was me acknowledging the fact she is growing, becoming mature and aware of her body and surrounding and that’s exactly what it is, her body! She in charge, she’s in control and is the boss of her own skin. This is an important message I have always made aware and will continue to do so, therefore if allowing her to have her ears pierced boosts her confidence, makes her feel glamorous and just generally feel good who am I to say no you can’t? At the end of the day, that's the reason I get my eyebrows waxed, nails and my hair done? We all like to feel as fabulous as we all are and this is why I had no queries to say heck yes let’s do this!!

I won’t lie I don’t think I was as scared as I was when I gave birth! To my knowledge no-one has ever died from getting their ears pierced but you never know! There is a first for everything! What if her head exploded? What if her ears swelled to the size of her head and she couldn’t pick it up off the floor? Yes, I am quite aware of how irrational this sound now but these were genuine thoughts that entered my shaking skull! Rose, on the other hand, was as cool as a cucumber as children are, whether this was because she has little experience with real pain or she’s just hardcore I haven’t made my mind up! We stood in the window choosing the new fine jewelry to grace my gorgeous girls face we noticed they had a birthdate section with October being pink rose! There were no queries the decision had been made, pink rose it was. The staff at Claire’s accessories were amazing the girls made sure rose was completely calm and comfortable and had full control of when and how it happened. Rose opted for duel piercing so it was done both ears at once giving the call for the trigger to be pulled. Even with a sharp pain as expected once she had set eyes on them the beam that took over was worth every penny.

There is a fine line between fueling the social image of young girls and women to become these iconic picture perfect dolls and allowing them to express their own look, individuality, and personality. Rose didn’t get her ears done to please anyone except herself, it is something she decided on her own, researched on her own and to be honest she just looks so darn cute!

Fingers crossed the conversations about hair dye and tattoos are at least another 10 years away though.

MAMA! you got me triggered!

Today my daughter declared, 'mama you got me triggered' as I took more than 3 seconds to finish my task at hand and beckon to her demands of being tucked into bed with her nighttime routine. The statement through me! I have never heard of this is my life! What did it mean? Where had she heard it?? I have recently been binge watching seven seconds (a murder investigation on Netflix) has she heard something on there she shouldn't!

In my haste I was at a loss to respond, not knowing the correct reply I just simply sigh against the kitchen counter, holy hell I have turned into that mum! I'm old, I'm only 27, yet in the eyes of my child I'm practically a grandma! And let me tell you, asking a 9-year-old to explain slang to their parents retract ANY cool point you may have mustered up throughout their lifetime and you will never see them again! Honestly, I'm sure I heard all kids in a 9 block radius slap their foreheads in sync.

Safe to say my child was all too happy to tell me I'm uncool turn her back and return to her room, leaving me to turn to trusty google in order to redeem some form of self-respect!

And in case your wondering triggered, according to the urban dictionary, means to offend or hurt an individual's feelings.

Now while I try and even contemplate the relationship between offending someone and the word triggered, with each other a glass of wine to ease the sting of losing all the cool points that were quicker to evaporate than a vampire seeing the sun. I don't mean one of the shiny sparkly ones I mean proper Dracula vampires which I'm sure my daughter now thinks I'm as old as, just take my advice, Never ask a kid to explain slang words google is our friend

The Mum Guilt

Yes, it's a real thing, have you ever beaten yourself up about having a career? Not having a career? Headed out to the supermarket to grab one or two things and rushed back as quick as you could? Just in case your husband is ripping his hair out at home while your 3-year-old tantrums about picking the wrong shade of blue out of the crayon packet, or your teen's must-watch YouTube video is buffering because it's peak time and every man and their dog are using the internet?

Then yes that's mum guilt! Heaven forbid you to take more than 5 minutes to drive to the shop 10 minutes away!

Lately, I have noticed myself along with the other mothers I know apologizing for taking time out to focus on personal needs. Mothers, most mothers, tend to put their offspring's needs before their own and this is how it should be, but self-care is just as important. Ask yourself how am I feeling today? Have I taken 5 seconds to just take a deep breath and gather myself from my daily errands?

Between baby groups, cleaning the house and arguments with hormonal teenagers we can often leave our minds to wonder in multiple directions, such as; the weekly meal plans, buying that birthday gift for your daughters friends party this weekend while not forgetting its grandmas 90th birthday this weekend and you still need to ring the venue to clarify the last details about a surprise party you have organised! Just thinking of these things I can feel my head rambling and not focusing on the tasks at hand.

This is something we need to implement into our daily lives, if you don't take that time to enjoy a warm coffee or catch up on that TV show without falling asleep you will become short, snappy and irritable meaning, realistically your going to affect your parenting style and create more mum guilt feeding this vicious cycle.

I have been a victim myself and I'm always actively looking to find the perfect balance. (By no means am I saying I have cracked it... I haven't!) I'm just saying, is it really such a bad thing if you had come home from work, refuelled with some coffee while your child tipped the Lego bucket over their head and recreated an exciting tie-fighter scene from star wars before tackling a row over sprouts, would you have maybe lasted an extra 5 minutes before demanding the husband take over or god forbid you ram it so far down their throat you would get to practice the Heimlich manoeuvrer??

many of times after a veggie row I have found notes about how my daughter hates me more than sprouts accompanied with a rough drawing of me on fire cooking the tea! This results in me crying into yet another glass of wine, feeling like a crappy parent who is failing. Maybe I shouldn't have shouted as much as I did? Do they really need vegetables to be healthy? If only I didn't care so much and let her sit and eat cookies and ice-cream like she begged she would love me back?

Sound familiar?

Well, mums, you don't need to apologize, they don't hate you, they love you. Your their world and their role model.

So the next time you lock yourself in the bathroom for 5 minutes peace and quiet or you sit in the car outside the school just before picking the kids up eating a chocolate bar because you can't remember the last time you didn't share your food, remember its OK. You're not alone and you don't have to apologize for taking some me time and looking after your own sanity.

So stop, put on your big girl panties and have a moan about your little buggers without having to justify how much you love them and they mean the world to you!

Hot Mess MAMA!!!

As I sit weeping into another cold coffee, hugging the chocolate bar I asked my husband to pick up on his way home from the airport, sitting on the stairs I can truly only class myself as one hot mess mama!

Today has been the epiphany that I will never be an Instagram mum.

The dirty washing is overflowing the plastic bucket, (I am yet to replace the washing basket that broke last month!) and the clean washing sits half folded, half screwed up where my 9-year-old has frantically ripped through the pile looking for her must wear t-shirt after realising it was non uniform day not 12 hours before! I hide the dirty dishes from tea the night before in the broken dishwasher because I have no hot water due to the radiator falling off the wall, after said 9 year old used it as a gymnastics beam one too many times, and god forbid the plumber to see a dirty dish! What kind of a mother would he think I am! But hey at least I could fill the kettle with bottled water to make a brew...all I needed was to remember to drink it!

In my blind panic, I neglected the fact that to repair the radiator would mean access is required throughout the house and as I am not allowed in my tweens bedroom, or dire consequences await me, I was unaware of the war zone awaiting me.

My house isn't dirty...I'm sure there are plenty of houses out there worse than mine and at this point, I YouTube old 'how clean is my house' videos to lift my morals, but how shocked was I to find the plumber that arrived was an old school friend!!! The wave of embarrassment flooded over me, much like the water from the pipe he had come to mend. Suddenly I became hypersensitive to how much work I needed on my house. I noticed the skirting boards and how badly there are calling for a touch-up and the worn out carpet on the stairs! If only I had a fairy godmothers wand to magic my house into a showroom home that was fit for royalty!

I think I spent the whole time he was here apologizing and justifying what really is just living! Yes, we live in this home which means yes there will be dirty washing, there will be sticky fingerprints on the bannister and shoes kicked off by the door. Its at times like this we need to remind ourselves we don't live online, we are a physical human being who live in real time and make a real mess. No-one can live a perfect Instagram life where the cabinets are crispy white with no bolognese splashes on the stove or that our children tidy their toys away after themselves!

So when you become overwhelmed just take a deep breath and remember its so easy to clean up in the background of a photograph and post some carefully timed photos of your kids being nice to each other to create this facade but everyone, and I mean everyone I'm sure has had a mummy meltdown on the stairs hugging a cold coffee and a chocolate bar!

Raising a technology tween

I have always been a firm believer that my daughter has a mind of her own and is entitled to make her own decisions, within reason, of course, if she told me that she was bringing home 100 stray cats and staying up all night playing renditions of its a small world to them then that's a big no-no! On the other hand, if she told me she didn't like a certain outfit, going on holiday with her grandparents or a dislike of a shopping centre (you get the idea) I would take her input and value it as a human being. I would like to think I'm a relaxed parent and if I'm honest I may have gotten quite cocky at having a well behaved, well-mannered child. I cracked it was a doddle, good school reports, tidies her room and when bedtime came she was out like a light! don't get me wrong no child is an angel there are incidents of drawing on the walls and squabbles with cousins and protests over sprouts but nothing major overall she's 'good kid'.

But then...somehow overnight this innocent little girl changed, this isn't to say she not a good girl anymore she still has an incredible caring nature that loves the world but as she's growing her priorities seem to be changing. Where once there was nothing she would love more than her dad to sit at the end of her bed telling her stories of brave princesses and lost treasure she now prefers to watch youtube and gaming videos. I personally am not against technology and think it does have its place in this modern world but I feel it can have huge influences on our children's behaviour.

I'm not talking computer games turned my child into a murderer here, just things like it is so easy to become addicted to an online life. In a world where you are connected with a push of a button to hundreds of thousands of people is pretty big and scary but can also be exciting and educational. Technology now is engaging, ever changing and adapts to our interests and abilities and as long as you keep a close eye on what your child is playing and engaging in can be a safe environment.

Roblox is a huge contender in our house and you may have heard about it or even more likely had your house taken over too! We make it a priority to drill into Roses' head that she does not ask personal questions, does not reply to personal questions and if it does not feel right to tell me or her father and leave the game. She's quite good at this and once or twice has said ' muuum! someone asking for my real name so I left the game'. Over time I have noticed how this Roblox world has become a go-to dream place for her tween dreams, there are fashion shows, prom nights and high school all things she looks up to in her older cousins and In a way its kind of humorous, as I hear moaning about having to go to school yet in her spare time she will sit on this game filling out English tests and music lessons!

Recently it has become a huge obstacle to our family lifestyle, the day's plans are always accompanied by a how long until we're home and can I go on the computer when we get in. Part of me wants to give in and just let her live on the computer where she's quiet, isn't causing mess and disruption but then a huge part of me is preying computers never existed!

Like an epiphany, I came to realize my real issue is not with technology but with the connection. I have not evolved with my child and as she changes so does our bond. As a child, we were thicker than thieves but now I have come to realize that I don't know her and this is why she wants to be in the online world because she has bonded and connected with virtual reality. We are now at a stage where mum isn't cool, she would rather not open up to me and be honest it quite embarrassed at the thought of me knowing any details about her life.

Upon realizing how distant I have become from my own child I was horrified and began to scour the internet for ways to re-connect with my tween and put them to work straight away! Don't get me wrong I am not completely revamping my style because my style is unique to me, that's what makes me mum, but at this stage, I'm willing to take any advice an roll with it! So this morning with a hop skip and a jump I serenade Rose with a jolly ' good morning, good morning, you slept the whole night through...' It's a guaranteed way to make her smile even though she says I'm the most annoying parent EVER!! Once awake that's where the true plan comes into action and what better way to test my new found advice than a daily parent-daughter conflict of getting ready and out the door in time for school! No matter what time we were up we always seem to be in a rush and conversation like the following were a given fact!

.Rose..
Rose will you concentrate and get dressed!Mum:Iaaaam!! (rolls eyes as she slowly pulls up her tights)
..few minutes pass as she is still walking around the house in knickers and tights
Mum: Rose PLEASE!!!
Rose: Ugh MUM I AM!....(then throws a tantrum at me moaning and pestering her resulting in being slower than she was!)

This morning, however, I chose to change my tone, Instead of me yelling which is an easy hole to fall into I realized this isn't going to get her attention and isn't the correct way to deal with a situation. If I was mad at my partner, work college or friend I wouldn't shout at them I would speak to them like an adult address the situation and resolve it. So simple things such as changing Rose Please to a simple explanation highlighted the urgency of why the task should be completed. Instead of raising my voice as eyes are rolled in my direction and sassy words thrown at me I would simply reply with a...try again. This worked wonders and just simply repeat until it sinks in your looking for a polite response as to how can I expect my tween not to sass me if all I give her is an attitude. My aim is not to find common ground and work more to her terms to make myself available, adaptable and maybe just a little less embarrassing!

This may be a very obvious thing to some people but I feel each journey is your own and each path leads our own way. This is one of my hurdles that yes hasn't cured Tweens and will not end world hunger but for me just maybe it may stop me going prematurely grey a little bit sooner!

If you have any tips, advice or funny tween stories I would love to hear them, maybe we can all cry into a glass of wine while having a mummy breakdown together!

Finding the rainbows

I often get envious of people who have strong and loving relationships with their parents. The sharp sting of a long life that will never be. My mother was taken away from me at such a young age, this proceeded to put a black hole into the universe I lived, changing it beyond repair, to which the effects I still encounter as an adult. When a child loses their stability, their loving mother, the world crumbles and suddenly I realize mothers are the concrete foundation our family was built upon. Without proper foundation the weather storms over the years have drawn rifts into the brickwork affecting relationships within the household, rippling out into the extended family, friends, and work. I often find myself wondering off, questioning if I am not parenting well enough, I have no direct comparison to what a mother should do or how it feels to have a relationship with a mum, does my daughter think I’m a good mum? The truth is I will never know as my daughter will only have me to use as a reference and my husband has never been in this situation, luckily.

It can be a lonely place to float in such uncertainty, to always question how I would be different if she had never left? would I be better? My parental figures while growing up did not exactly demonstrate your typical parental stereotypes, and if anything has shown me how NOT to behave. Which is a sad realization when your main drive as a role model to be the polar opposite of your own experience! My husband parents are extremely supportive, my main network when times are unsteady, and honestly, do not know where to begin to thank them for everything. Their relationship with my daughter is amazing and she is so lucky to have a special bond but no matter how strong their bond is, it is hard to not have someone understand to have walked a mile alongside you on the same road. It may have taken many years for me to grasp my footings of motherhood but the confidence the online community has provided me as a mother is immense!

No matter what is happening around you or where you are in motherhood stage if you look there is another parent going through the exact same thing! Finding parents on social platforms such as Instagram and Facebook has allowed my limited network world to become a large, evergrowing support network that I can turn to when the road is rough. I’m not saying any of us have it figured out, there is no right or wrong answer but we have each other's backs. A shoulder to cry on, a (virtual) hand to hold and laugh tears of joy at all the wonderful things us mothers endure, just be careful not to laugh too hard because which mother can remember their pelvic floors every day! I feel half the battle when it comes to parenting, and life, in general, is surrounding yourself with the people who lift you up raising your self-esteem and expectations, not negative opinions and manipulation. Once you remove these barriers from your life I'm not saying everything will become sunshine and clear skies, but there will definitely be rainbows! Having a solid network with a supportive partner and friends, online or in person can really contribute to an individuals wellbeing resulting in happy parenting, happy life and happy you!